What happens when we lose someone or something of importance? We grieve. It takes time to grieve, each person at their own pace. I hate grieving because it makes me realize what I have lost. My own personality causes me to hold onto hurts and to smolder about the pain I am going through instead of releasing those events. It is like an old country song being repeated over and over inside of me.
When schizophrenia took away the identity I was forming in my early twenties, I was sad not because of what had happened to me but because what was projected to happen to me. I read the books that sliced the patients of mental illnesses into sections of what percentage would recover, be hospitalized or end up rejecting help. I was so confused as to which percentage I would fit into. I was determined that I was going to be an anomaly. I wasnt going to fit into a percentage anymore; I would make my own percentage point. I became so consumed with beating the odds that I forgot to maintain the process of dealing with the pain in my life.
There are areas of hurt and pain in my life that I have closed the door on and I have walked away from. Sometimes I come back to peak in the door to still see if the hurt is there. Some of the hurts are little petty things that wouldnt compare to anyone elses pain. Then there are the doors leading into the pains that have altered my life.
Schizophrenia is that door I dread. Any other pain I can explain away for a time. I can always say that someone hurt me, or it was a circumstance out of my control. Even in my recovered state of life, I cant explain schizophrenia away. Of course, schizophrenia being a genetically inherited disease with an environmental hit, I can easily say it was out of my control. That only explains how I got schizophrenia. What I have done with my schizophrenia is up to me.
I believe I have accomplished my goal of making my own percentage point. I marched forward so quickly that I have not taken the time to empty out some of those rooms of pain. I want to move forward in those areas of my life that I have set aside. In doing so, I know I will end up wrestling those pains. In the battle that will ensue I will have to face not so much the pain but more importantly, the way I handled that pain in my life and that is what is going to be the harder struggle. It is going to be hard to face my own shortcomings.
In a way, no matter how recovered I am from schizophrenia; I am just like anyone else facing a trial. It isnt so much the trial that is the problem but how I handle the problem that will determine the end result of that problem. In that way we are all alike, no matter how recovered we are from life, we all have those trials that dont seem to go away. In schizophrenia I am constantly rereading my own recovery manual.
In my opinion, the scientific books about schizophrenia are so analytical. All they talk about are things that can be measured. Medicine, therapy, hospitalization, everything ends up being categorized. They dont take the time to explain the pain an individual, family and a community will go through in a diagnosis. Who will be there to take the time to comfort the parents that their child is suffering from an incurable disease? Who explains to the patient the trauma they will go through? Who is there to help? In categorizing the patient of a mental illness, the books fail in reaching the human element. For as humans we are looking for those answers to solve the pain of mental illnesses and I hope as a community of Cortez, we can answer those questions.
Mindfulness is brought to you by NAMI Montelores, the local NAMI affiliate. NAMI is the National Alliance on Mental Illness, the nations largest grassroots mental health organization dedicated to improving the lives of individuals and families affected by mental illness. NAMI recognizes that the key concepts of recovery, resiliency and support are essential to improving the wellness and quality of life of all persons affected by mental illness. NAMI provides support, education, and advocacy for individuals and families through community classes, in-service trainings, support groups, and more. For more information, please contact Geri Sandersat 970-759-2416.
Randy Davis is a member of NAMI Montelores. He can be reached at [email protected].
