Congratulations from the United States of America to all our freedom-loving brothers and sisters in Egypt and Yemen and Jordan and Oman and Tunisia and Libya and Iran and Bahrain and Morocco and Algeria and maybe, someday soon, Saudi Arabia for standing up to your dictatorial overlords and clutching at the guano-covered branches of freedom. Jolly good. Youve made majority rule fashionable again. Democracy is now the new black.
We are all totally psyched how youve dragged yourselves kicking and screaming from the Dark Ages into the middle 19th century. You may be excited to hear about some other upgrades weve made in areas such as in transportation, communications and hygiene. Its all there in your orientation packet. Watch some MTV. Ignore Jersey Shore. No, theyre not real.
We got to warn you, though, self-rule isnt all a bed of roses. It has a thorny learning curve. Rubs tough on beginners. You might want to spend some time wading out towards the deep end wearing your feudal water wings before jumping straight into the parliamentary pool.
The thing is, dont expect the world to change overnight. Englands has been dancing with democratization since 1265 and theyre still curtseying to the queen. Usually what happens is you lose one tyrannical despot only to gain another. You could avoid a particular mistake we made and find someone who can spell despot.
Elections are tricky things. Make sure its The People deciding the outcome and not nine old folks wearing black robes. Heres a hint: If anybody gets 95 percent of the vote, reboot. You might be surprised to find the people most likely to run for political office often turn out to be criminally insane. Maybe you should pass a law restricting that. Kind of wish we had. Rule of thumb: Anybody who can be elected shouldnt be.
Something else to keep in mind: Democracy for one means democracy for all. Its a take-it-or-leave-it enterprise. All men are created equal. And women. None of this wife walking five paces behind her husband while dressed as a grieving beekeeper stuff. Same with Sunnis and Shiites and Sasquatches. One person. One vote. Hey, we all put our robes on one leg at a time. Or two. Whatever.
Start small. Too many choices can result in inaction. An example: Sometimes you just want a package of sunflower seeds. You dont want the Low-Sodium Dill Pickle flavor. But Safeway is all out of Original flavor because they allotted equal shelf space to the Low Sodium Dill Pickle flavor. Which nobody wants. They can have it, if they wanted. But they dont. Well, same deal with liberty. So, there you are. Hope that clears that up.
All were trying to say is good luck with the whole democracy thing. Treat it like a new car, always driving as if 100 eggs are hatching inside of it at all times. Because they are. Bring it in for a tune-up every 10,000 miles and dont forget to change the oil (shouldnt be a problem). Remember to downshift headed uphill, it tends to veer to the left on the straightaways, and try not to crack it up because who knows, maybe we here in America might want to give it another test drive ourselves someday.
Will Durst is a San Francisco-based political satirist. Copyright ©2011, Will Durst, distributed by the Cagle Cartoons, Inc., newspaper syndicate.